In my childhood days, the subject “sex” was considered offensive. So it was never discussed and just the mention of the noun would give you stern looks, disapproving gazes and some bashing afterwards. During my adolescent years, the topic brought our class to giggles during home science lessons. This embarrassed the lady teacher. Many times in embarrassment never mentioned it or referred to the subject in quick passing and changed the topic too quickly.
As a Christian teenager, the literature and theology material provided to us in church was very categorical. Keep sex for marriage period. Whereas the sex literature available (unsolicited through friends-hidden in places we stumbled on) gave us a glimpse of illicit descriptive affairs that just blew our minds off. This created a nag in our manhood that like a dagger against our chest caused us to succumb in many ways than one.
The hunger for more illicit sex “reads” grew. The imagination of recreating the stories we read or pictures we saw kept our eyes evil with desire. The rogue of us went further to solicit for sex, cajole girlfriends or plainly deceive girls of a non-existent love expecting sex in-return. Were we prepared? Did we know how to start? What rules did we lay to protect ourselves? On what doctrine or principle did we engage? We were oblivious to all these facts. The lurking lust could not be vanquished in thought and so we indulged. Many came back with stories of greatness, new conquers laced in exaggerated symbolism.
Many caught up in the lies about sex are still drowning in the illegitimate expression of it. Others who covered their stories “in veiled” pretence still struggle to check the allure of the “lurking lust”. Few confessed, repented and welcomed the Holy Spirit to help weed out the sinful desires. As my bestman Reuben Odanga well puts it “Your spirit will accept salvation but remember the flesh is still physical & so when in temptation FLEE!!”. And testament to his admonition-our flesh plays games to our mind and the nagging sinful feeling is always at bay. Many times I flee but the “lurking lust” is always in pursuit. This made be re-evaluate and re-strategise my approach towards sex.
It is a creation of God. Who intends it for noble, meaningful and satisfactory engagement of married couples. For the discerning believer, all it takes is to retrace our faith in Jesus Christ. There is no one who is pure. But you can start by confessing, repenting and change your discourse unto Christ. Once there, then map out sex not as a stumbling block but as God’s gift. Whose use in the context of marriage is not only a blessing but a powerful tool for God’s Glory.
Here is what I have learnt in my pre-marital class and going four years in marriage:
1. Prepare for Sex: Like any great venture, more knowledge than little is good insight to any unfamiliar territory. Set the mood. Check the room, check your breath, body odour or cologne, check the ambiance(music, lighting,smells..) and accessories (lubricants, towels, snacks, drinks…)
2. Pray for a good sex life: There things to bind and loose others for a fulfilling sex life in marriage. Bind the past (evil or not) Loose any heart or physical binds of former days. Pray for that which you desire-the quality, quantity and else. Get to the details that disturb, confuse or arouse you. Pray before the wedding, after and all days for the sanctity of your marriage.
3. Un-learn, Learn & re-learn: Forget ye the former ways & assumptions. Remember this is your wife. Honour her by unlearning what you think you already know. Learn her preferences and keep in mind as much as you want to be pleased as you engage in sex-she needs to be pleased and satisfied. Research about sex in marriage. There are many useful on-line resources and books e.g His Needs, Her Needs; http://site.themarriagebed.com/ , http://www.the-generous-husband.com, http://www.the-generous-wife.com/, http://www.fascinatingrelationship.com and many more. If you look keen enough you will find many other useful resources. Remember to discard those that amplify sex as a pleasure gratification object for consenting adults. IT IS ONLY MEANT FOR THE MARITAL BED.
4. Submit you are human: Temptations will come as to that you can handle thus promises the Lord. Learn Satan’s allures – the light touch, flirting, mischievous texts, the lingering hugs, winks, pokes, the pretentious help calls etc And flee them. Never give them room as they will sneak in and destroy your blessings path. In unbecoming circumstances retrace your steps to God.
5. Walk with thy Kingdom: When in doubt of the invitation ask your wife to accompany you. Men are physical and the emotive intelligence of your wife can be very useful in steering you away from trouble. When invited for weddings, parties or other social events-ask her in advance to dress the part and accompany you. For business meetings out of town that allow for couples and might take longer than a week-check if it is worth it-if you can afford it and if her coming will not inconvenience her schedule. She can plan activities for the day-research in the town etc then join you in the evening.
6. Adore thy Queen: Where your treasure is so is your heart. Live this principle. Invest in her pleasure. Give her time she needs and some more. Buy her expensive presents that you are too broke to be philanthropic with any other. Plan for the exotic escapades. When out of town put her first by mopping out any extra time that the devil might use-schedule your day so tight by training in the gym,read the bible and other meaningful publications, shop for her(one time I shopped three suitcases and only three items in the total luggage were mine-she had to send me money for excess baggage and God was she glad when she opened them), call her often, long and deliberate. prepare a story of the trip-take photos, write notes and any other interesting things about the place that will make good conversation & knowledge. Help her with her dreams- help her study; Help her with house work, be her confidant, bodyguard, chauffeur, trainer and massage therapist ( you can learn). This vulnerable things make many women adore other men. Do not wait to be replaced-mark the territory! Treat her with royalty and man will you remain King (all will notice)
7. Review, Reflect & Recharge: Do not get into routine. Style up; write poetry, make cards(even with external help), Print t-shirts, email, text, call, drop flowers and others. Just when she thinks she knows how you love her- surprise her again and again; and she will fall for you over and over!
Lunani Joseph 